Dear kitten, I need to give you a little history lesson.

Hundreds of thousands of years ago, we cats were given a choice.

Either we could learn the art of swimming and become a seafaring creature,...

...or we could choose the gift of the art of massage.

I think it's obvious which one we chose: massage.

To this day, we must exercise our duty to massage everything.

We alone can exercise this alternating gentle touch...

...with a little aftertaste of claws digging in the flesh.

It is a reminder that all joy is birthed from pain.

And that all love will end in bloodshed.

Actually, I don't know if I agree with that last part.

But, you know, I was on a roll.

It sounded good.

I mean, I guess one way of thinking about it is that...

...a good massage is like a very very slow fight that you're winning.

It's like that mixture of loving something,...

...but then also wanting to check if it's still alive by clawing it.

From time to time, you may need to teach the humans about massage.

I mean, if it's all just "touchy touchy, rub my tummy"...

...and no pain, you have to bite them.

It's kind of a yin and yang thing.

It restores balance to the universe.