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Unit 23

The Cats and Dogs Theory of Politics

Politics looks complicated but it's actually very simple. As an ambitious leader you are looking for people to follow you, to be inspired by your ideas, and -- most important of all -- to love you. Think of your loving supporters as pets and everything will fall into place.

As F. Scott Fitzgerald once said, "Almost everybody can be imagined as either a cat or a dog." Dog-like supporters like to belong to packs. They appreciate a strong leader who can tell them who to bark at, who to slobber over, and who to chase and tear apart. To become the leader of the pack you need to understand dog politics. You need to convince your supporters that you are: One of them; and Willing and able to put down any rival. Dogs won't follow a leader who they suspect doesn't share their values and way of life.

You'll need to be tough and decisive. If you show signs of wanting to give up your leadership -- for example by consulting the pack or acknowledging that maybe non-pack members have a point -- then you're just asking to be attacked or dethroned. Real alphas know what's right by instinct. They don't have to ask and they don't have to think. Your doggie followers will also need plenty of exercise. They need plenty of things to bark at, chase, and chew on so as to keep them occupied and out of trouble.

Cats are different. From a cat's point of view you are a servant. Cats are ambitious. However much food there is in their bowl, they always want more. Cats are status conscious. If any other cat has more food in its bowl, then any self-respecting cat will resent you for not intervening on its behalf. Cats are a bit conservative by nature, but will eventually move house if they think they can get a better deal.

Cats are convinced that they are smarter than you are. They are always quick to offer you policy advice. Cats don't like being yelled at. They expect to be reasoned with or bribed. Every cat has its own agenda and they expect to deal with you as an individual. Cats like to be consulted -- it shows that you respect them.

The key to being a leader of cats is to appeal to their vanity and self interest. Always tell your cats how wonderful they are. If they start a campaign to save old forests then you should convert to environmentalism at once. Humor them when they bury their shit in an effort to convince you it doesn't stink. And always make sure that their houses rise in value and that their interest rates are low. Under no circumstances should you bark at them.

While dogs need to believe that you are one of the pack, cats don't care how you live. A cat's mind their own business and will only bother you when they're bored or at election time when they'll hover around the refrigerator clawing at your legs. If food doesn't appear on demand a hungry cat is likely to go pleasing someone else. It's your choice.

So by now you're probably wondering whether you have to choose. Is it possible to have both cats and dogs? Yes. In fact, you can't win an election without keeping a few of both groups. Perhaps the best strategy is to keep your dogs happy with plenty of barking, chasing, and chewing while saving the big bribes for the cats.