On Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Capt. Olivia Benson has been bringing justice to survivors of sexual violence for more than two decades. Now the actress behind the iconic character is ready to tell her own story.

关于法律与秩序：特殊受害者小组，奥利维娅·本森上尉20多年来一直在为性暴力幸存者伸张正义。现在，这个标志性人物背后的女演员准备讲述自己的故事。

In a powerful essay published by PEOPLE on Wednesday, Mariska Hargitay reveals that she was raped in her 30s by a man whom she had thought of as a friend.

在《人物》杂志周三发表的一篇强有力的文章中，玛莉丝卡·哈吉塔透露，她在30多岁时被一个她以为是朋友的男人强奸。

"It wasn't sexual at all. It was dominance and control. Overpowering control," writes Hargitay, 59. "I tried all the ways I knew to get out of it. I tried to make jokes, to be charming, to set a boundary, to reason, to say no. He grabbed me by the arms and held me down. I was terrified. I didn't want it to escalate to violence. I now know it was already sexual violence, but I was afraid he would become physically violent. I went into freeze mode, a common trauma response when there is no option to escape. I checked out of my body."

59岁的哈吉塔写道：“这根本不是性行为。这是支配和控制。过度控制。”。“我试了所有我知道的方法来摆脱它。我试着开玩笑，变得迷人，设定界限，讲道理，说不。”。他抓住我的胳膊，把我按倒。我吓坏了。我不希望它升级为暴力。我现在知道这已经是性暴力了，但我担心他会变得身体暴力。我进入了冷冻模式，这是一种常见的创伤反应，当时我别无选择。我检查了一下身体。"

Hargitay explains that she "couldn't process" what she went through for a long time because she "couldn't believe that it happened. That it could happen."

哈吉塔解释说，她很长一段时间都“无法处理”自己所经历的事情，因为她“不敢相信它会发生。它可能会发生。”

"So I cut it out. I removed it from my narrative," she writes. "I now have so much empathy for the part of me that made that choice because that part got me through it. It never happened. Now I honor that part: I did what I had to do to survive."

她写道：“所以我把它删掉了。我把它从我的叙述中删除了。”。“我现在非常同情我做出这个选择的那一部分，因为那一部分让我度过了难关。这从未发生过。现在我向那一部分致敬：我做了我必须做的事来生存。”

For a long time, he actress, producer, and advocate focused on building her Joyful Heart foundation to "help survivors of abuse and sexual violence heal."

长期以来，他是一名演员、制片人和倡导者，专注于建立她的快乐之心基金会，以“帮助虐待和性暴力的幸存者康复”。

"I think I also needed to see what healing could look like," Hargitay writes. "I look back on speeches where I said, 'I'm not a survivor.' I wasn't being untruthful; it wasn't how I thought of myself. I occasionally had talked about what this person did to me, but I minimized it."

哈吉塔写道：“我想我也需要看看治愈会是什么样子。”。“我回顾那些我说‘我不是幸存者’的演讲。我不是在撒谎；这不是我对自己的看法。我偶尔会谈论这个人对我做了什么，但我尽量减少了。”

Hargitay's husband, Peter Hermann, remembers how she used to say things like, "I mean, it wasn't rape." But after she began talking about it more with the people closest to her who "were the first ones to call it what it was," things started "shifting" in her.

哈吉塔的丈夫彼得·赫尔曼记得，她曾经说过这样的话:“我的意思是，这不是强奸。”但当她开始更多地与最亲近的人谈论这件事时，她的内心开始发生“变化”。这些人“是第一个说出这件事的人”。

"They were gentle and kind and careful, but their naming it was important," Hargitay says. "It wasn't a confrontation, like 'You need to deal with what happened,' it was more like looking at it in the light of day: 'Here is what it means when someone rapes another person, so on your own time, it could be useful to compare that to what was done to you.' Then I had my own realization. My own reckoning. Now I'm able to see clearly what was done to me."

“他们温柔、善良、细心，但他们的命名很重要，”哈吉塔伊说。“这不是一种对抗，比如‘你需要处理所发生的事情’，而是更像是在光天化日之下看待这件事:‘当有人强奸另一个人时，这意味着什么，所以在你自己的时间里，把它和你所遭受的事情进行比较可能会很有用。’”然后我有了自己的领悟。我自己的估计。现在我能清楚地看到他们对我做了什么。”

That she was assaulted by someone she thought was a friend has inspired Hargitay to talk more about acquaintance rape, "because many people still think of rape as a man jumping out of the bushes. This was a friend who made a unilateral decision," she writes. "As for justice, it's important to know that it may look different for each survivor. For me, I want an acknowledgment and an apology. I'm sorry for what I did to you. I raped you. I am without excuse. That is a beginning. I don't know what is on the other side of it, and it won't undo what happened, but I know it plays a role in how I will work through this."

她被一个她以为是朋友的人侵犯，这促使哈吉塔伊更多地谈论熟人强奸，“因为很多人仍然认为强奸是男人从灌木丛中跳出来。”这是一个朋友单方面做出的决定，”她写道。“至于正义，重要的是要知道，每个幸存者的正义可能看起来都不一样。对我来说，我想要一个承认和道歉。我为我对你做的事感到抱歉。我强奸了你。我没有借口。这是一个开始。我不知道它的另一面是什么，它不会改变发生的事情，但我知道它在我如何度过难关方面发挥了作用。”