In the nearly 15 years since Holly Madison left the Playboy Mansion, she’s become a New York Times bestselling author, a mother of two and the host of the Girls Next Level podcast with her friend Bridget Marquardt. 

霍莉·麦迪逊离开花花公子大厦近15年来，她已经成为《纽约时报》畅销书作家、两个孩子的母亲，并与朋友布里吉特·马夸特一起主持了“女孩新水平”播客。

But Madison spent some of her most-formative years in a relationship with Hugh Hefner, trapped in what she's described as a Playboy false paradise.

但麦迪逊在与休·海夫纳的恋爱中度过了人生中最重要的几年，她被困在她所说的花花公子虚假天堂里。

When Hefner died in 2017, Madison remained mum about his death — and it's a decision she stands by today.

当海夫纳于2017年去世时，麦迪逊对他的死保持沉默——这是她今天坚持的决定。

“When he passed away, everybody expected me to have some big reaction or post about it on social media, and it just felt weird. I didn't have any emotional attachment to him anymore in any way,” she tells PEOPLE exclusively. 

“当他去世的时候，每个人都希望我有一些大的反应，或者在社交媒体上发布，这感觉很奇怪。我对他已经没有任何情感依恋了，”她对《人物》杂志独家说道。

Before his death, Madison had also gone public with the trauma she faced after dating Hefner in her book Down the Rabbit Hole.

在海夫纳去世之前，麦迪逊也在她的书《兔子洞》中公开了她与海夫纳约会后所面临的创伤。

“I'd already come out talking about what a toxic relationship this was for me,” she says. “Why am I supposed to post a memorial on my Instagram?”

她说:“我已经说过这对我来说是多么有害的关系。”“为什么我要在我的Instagram上发布纪念?”

Still healing from her years in the Playboy Mansion at the time, Madison — who says she developed body dysmorphia due to Hefner's constant judgment — felt a range of emotions when he died. 

麦迪逊说，由于海夫纳不断的评判，她的身体出现了畸形。当海夫纳去世时，她感到了一系列的情绪。

“Not relief at all, because I felt like I had taken myself kind of out of that universe pretty solidly. But it was a really odd time,” she recalls. “For me, after leaving that relationship, I kind of felt like he had always interacted with me in such a fake way. Because every interaction he had with me was all about control or this fantasy he had of a relationship. It almost felt like playing house in a way.”

“一点也不轻松，因为我觉得我已经把自己带出了那个宇宙。但那真的是一段奇怪的时光，”她回忆道。“对我来说，在离开这段关系后，我觉得他总是以一种虚假的方式与我互动。因为他和我的每一次互动都是关于控制或者他对我们关系的幻想。在某种程度上，这几乎就像过家家一样。”