有一天下午放学后，我问妈妈可不可以把我放在浴缸里泡一会儿。当她离开浴室时，我请她把门带上，然后就把耳朵浸入水里。在寂静之中，沉重的思绪在我心里奔腾，其实我是计划好要这么做的。

One afternoon after school I asked my mother if she could put me in the bath to soak for a while. I asked her to shut the door when she left the bathroom. Then I put my ears under water. In the silence, very heavy thoughts ran through my mind. I had planned in advance what I wanted to do.

如果上帝不带走我的痛苦，如果我的生命根本没有意义……如果我到人世走一遭只是为了体验被排斥和孤独的感觉……我是每个人的包袱，我没有未来……我现在就应该结束一切。

If God will not take away my pain and if there is no purpose for me in this life . . . if I'm here only to experience rejection and loneliness . . . I'm a burden to everyone and I have no future . . . I should just end it now.

前面提过，我刚开始学游泳时，是把肺里装满空气，好让自己仰着漂浮。现在我试着估计在翻过来之前，肺里要保留多少空气：翻身之前要屏住气吗?我是要深深吸气，还是只吸一半?是不是干脆把肺放空，直接翻沉算了?

As I mentioned when I described learning to swim, I'd float on my back by filling my lungs with air. Now I tried to gauge how much air to keep in my lungs before I flipped over. Do I hold my breath before I turn over? Do I take a full deep breath, or do I just do half? Should I just empty my lungs and fl ip over?

最后我直接转过去，把脸沉入水中。我本能地屏住气，而因为肺活量够，我漂浮了一段应该不算短的时间。

I finally just turned and plunged my face under water. Instinctively, I held my breath. Because my lungs were strong, I stayed afloat for what seemed like a long time.

当空气没了，我又翻了回来。

When my air gave out, I flipped back over.

我办不到。

I can't do this.

但阴暗的念头还在坚持：“我要离开这里。我只想消失。”

But the dark thoughts persisted: I want to get out of here. I just want to disappear.

我吐出肺里大部分的空气，然后又翻了过去。我知道自己至少可以撑个十秒，所以我开始倒数：“10、9、8、7、6、5、4、3……”

I blew most of the air out of my lungs and flipped over again. I knew I could hold my breath for at least ten seconds, so I counted down . . . 10 . . . 9 . . . 8 . . . 7 . . . 6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . .

我继续算着，然后，一个影像飞快闪过我心头：父母在我的坟墓边哭泣，7岁的弟弟亚伦也在哭，他们悲叹地说都是他们的错，他们应该为我做更多。

As I counted, an image flashed in my mind of my dad and mum standing at my grave crying. I saw my seven-year-old brother, Aaron, crying too. They were all weeping, saying it was their fault, that they should have done more for me.

我无法忍受让他们终身悔恨，觉得应该为我的死负责。

I couldn't stand the thought of leaving them feeling responsible for my death for the rest of their lives.

我太自私了。

I'm being selfish.

我又翻过身来，大大吸了一口气。我办不到。

I flipped back over and drew a deep breath. I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave my family with such a burden of loss and guilt.

我不能让家人背负这种失落和内疚的重担，但我的痛苦真的难以忍受。那天晚上，我在我们共用的房间里跟亚伦说：“我打算在21岁时自杀。”

But my anguish was unbearable. That night in our shared bedroom, I told Aaron, "I'm planning to commit suicide when I'm twenty-one."

我觉得自己可以撑过高中和大学，再往后就没办法了。我不觉得自己可以像其他男人一样，找到一份工作，然后结婚。有哪个女人会想嫁给我?所以，21岁看来就是结束我生命的时候了。当然，对那时的我来说，21岁还很遥远。

I thought I could stick it out through high school and university maybe, but I couldn't see myself beyond that. I didn't feel like I could ever get a job or get married like other men. What woman would want to marry me? So the age of twenty-one seemed like the end of the road for me. At my age, of course, it also seemed like a long time away.

“我要告诉爸爸你这样说。”弟弟回答。

"I'm telling Dad you said that," my little brother replied.

我叫他别告诉任何人，然后就闭上眼睛睡了。接下来，我就感觉到爸爸的重量，他坐在我的床上。

I told him not to tell anyone and closed my eyes to sleep. The next thing I knew, I felt the weight of my father as he sat down on my trundle bed.

“你说要自杀?这是怎么回事?”他问道。

"What is this about you wanting to kill yourself?" he asked.

爸爸用温暖安定的语气，告诉我还有许多美好的事在等着我。他一边说，一边用手指梳理我的头发——每次他这么做，我都好喜欢。

In a warm and reassuring tone, he talked to me about all the good things awaiting me. As he spoke, he combed my hair with his fingers. I always loved it when he did that.

“我们永远都会和你在一起，”爸爸保证，“一切都会没事的。我答应你，我们会一直在你身旁。你会好好的，儿子。”

"We will always be here for you," he reassured me. "Everything is going to be okay. I promise we will always be here for you. You are going to be fine, son."

有时只需要爱的碰触与关怀的凝视，就能让一个心乱如麻的孩子放松下来。在那个关头，听到爸爸保证说一切都会很顺利，那就够了。他用安抚的语调和触摸让我相信，他们一定会为我找到一条路。每个儿子都想信任父亲，那天晚上，爸爸给了我某样东西，让我可以紧紧握住。

A loving touch and caring gaze is sometimes all it takes to put a child's troubled heart and confused mind at ease. My father's reassurance that things would be okay was enough in that moment. He convinced me with his comforting tone and touch that he believed we would find a path for me. Every son wants to trust his father, and that night he gave me something to hold on to.

一个父亲给孩子的保证是世上最强的，在这方面，我爸爸一向非常大方，也善于表达对儿女的爱与支持。我还是不了解事情会如何发展，但因为爸爸说终究会解决，我就相信。

To a child, there is no assurance like a father's. My dad was generous with such things and good at expressing his love and support for all of us. I still didn't understand how everything would work out for me, but because my daddy told me they would, I believed they would.

和爸爸谈过之后，我睡了个好觉。偶尔有些日子，我还是不太好过，但在我对未来有自己的梦想之前，我信任父母，并长久持守盼望。有些时刻，甚至是一长段时间，我会有怀疑和恐惧，但幸好我人生的最低点也就是那一次了。即使现在，我还是跟其他人一样会有低潮，但我再也没想过要自杀了。

I slept soundly after our talk. I still had occasional bad days and nights. I trusted my parents and held on to hope for a long time before I actually formed any vision of how my life might unfold. There were moments and even longer periods of doubt and fear, but fortunately this was the lowest point for me. Even now I have my down times like anyone else, but I never again considered suicide.

回首当时，并思考之后一路走来的人生，我只能感谢上帝将我从绝望中拯救出来。

When I look back on that moment and reflect on my life since, I can only thank God for rescuing me from my despair.